Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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