Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
