my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
