You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
