Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
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HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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