Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
