I accidentally burped into my bong.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
