The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Sober January is a disaster.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize