i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
