so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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