well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
