Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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