and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
