I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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