That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
