a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
