i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize