It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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