I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
