I puked a lego.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
