They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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