Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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