she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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