I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Vodka?
Forever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
