Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
