You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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