Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
