Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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