Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
