And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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