@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
