two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
