You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
