Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
