Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
