My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she peed on how many people?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
