Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk is not a location!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
