you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
