JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
