he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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