I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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