Betty ford says i'm here all night
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
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Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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