Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
