I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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