i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
