Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize