Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
