U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
