His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
