so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
