Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
