Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
