Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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