I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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