woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
