tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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