Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
