I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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