he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
