hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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