Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
